wolvienicywinter's Xanga

Friday, November 14, 2008

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 02:17:26 GMT

i feel as if we're separated on purpose

i feel as if he refuses to see me

i'm living on his offline messages

the previous conversations

i love him

i may not love him

i don't know

but i want his attention

i want him to care for me

i want his concern

i want to be near him

i want to hug him

is that love?

or a brotherly affection..

Monday, November 03, 2008

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:06:06 GMT

gawd

i think i may love him.

i love everything about him.. my heart leaps a 100 meters higher than any number you [ or me ] can think off.

i want to talk to him all the time

i miss him badly.

i miss his kindly face

i miss his smile

it's his birthday tomorrow. 3 november. i wish i can be there with him.

i'm elated he's not drinking. he doesn succumb to other people's coercion easily. too easily.

i'm elated.

i love him.

i really do.

Email my heart

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 01:09:27 GMT

It's not as painful as much as before.

Now I could see him without feeling so tortured, without feeling the need to hug him, without feeling the need to take my plate and bash it on his head and yell incoherently and cuss and let a torrent of words flow out in spits and vehemence.

Now I could sit by him and not feel his warmth radiating next to my body and still sit with him and not feel as if his hand grabbed my heart and squeezed every drop of blood out.

Now I could look into his eyes and tell myself,

I may like, not love, I may like him now but that feeling will dissipate. His face, unconcerned, his expression and behavior nonchalant and attitude as the same bad boy as ever. I used to love every inch of him till he went and grope some lady stranger and lived to tell a tale of it, though he swore he couldn't remember anything on that night.

Not remembering anything doesn't mean he's innocent, right?

If someone got drunk and whipped his gun out and create a massacre, would he still be forgiven even though he swore and accosted up to the judge that he was insane and not sober that particular night? Would the lives he took away from be returned to the bodies he bloodily murdered? Would his hands, even washed as hard, be cleansed and cleaned? Would his conscience be bothered now that he had committed multiple murders?

No. Because he swore he didn't remember it.

So how was I suppose to feel knowing he groped and danced dirtily with another girl, perhaps more which I didn't know of. How am I not suppose to feel the teeniest bit of anger knowing he did that? How was I suppose not to feel jealous that he did that with another girl? Not that I want his slimy hands to caress or even touch any part of my body.

BUT, there's always that tiny little prop up,

I am not his girlfriend.

I am just his FRIEND.

What he does is none of my concern.

What he's going to do has nothing to do with my life.

What he does, I should feel anything towards what he did, does, and will do.

I shouldn't be a part of his life.

I'm hurting as I'm typing this. I'm choking with tears; I haven't cried for days. Normally, I'd just breathe heavily and let my chest pause atop of everything and fall back with slumped shoulders.

But I'll hurt no more. The more he talks, the less I'll say.

The more he's there, the more bearable the pain becomes.

I can do this.

Damn, I can do this.

I've passed one test.

I can pass this quiz.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 18:59:06 GMT

Honestly

I am hanging out with them only with fervent high hopes that he will appear out of nowhere and sent us into fits of laughter, and yes, so my eyes will be pleased at the sight of him.

Lunch.

I tapped my foot silently as my eyes remained fixated on my spaghetti, my mind subconsciously twirling the noodle on my fork. I sighed and sighed yet again and made everyone fell into a somber mood, joining in my little silent, icy coven. Friend muttered where is he. I wanted to scream, YES where the freaking hell is he???

But I didn't. Because I kept thinking. Where will this go should it happen, which it won't because he is seemingly and obviously entertaining, talking, joking, patting more with my friend rather than with me. My hopes dangled on the end of a sharp stick, with the middle part threatening to snap into half, thus snapping the inner part as well: my heart.

How long and how many times have I been in and out of this unrequited love phase?

Far too many times to be bothered to count at all.

The air was tense, with only the buzzing of what's hanging in the air in my ears.

Then, he appeared, striding confidently with a sleeveless shirt and three quarter pants; and with a look of exhaustion smeared across his face. My heart jumped out and knocked against my ribs and my face lit up, though I gave no sign that a smile was about to creep up to my face and be sewn into its rightful place.

The first thing he asked when he reached the table was for my friend.

My fork dropped. My heart dropped. My face fell. My hopes crashed into minute pieces. My mood returned to its usual moodiness. My foot stopped tapping and I stopped thinking.

How could he. How could he. How could he! Should he not be looking for me? Should he not ask how am I? Should he not probe further and started questioning me for my utter, unbelievable, despicable show of tormented facial expressions last night?

How dense could he be??

I kept quiet. My desire to launch into an elated conversation with sunny sunshine and 7 colors of the rainbow diminished, dissipated, vanished. He sat beside me. I was longing for him to pop the question.

An eternity : Are you okay?

I nodded lightly, unsure of whether to lie or tell the truth. Could he still not see I belied him into thinking I was Red Riding Hood about to prance about in the forest? Could he not see I was torn between everything and him and anguish stirring up my living soul, sending it into turmoil and waves crashing against the hard boulders of my cold heart?

Yet seemingly after asking me that, I searched his eyes, all the while catching snips of the rest of his face, his tufts of transparent beard and mustache, his glinting earring and his eyebrows and finally rested on his pupils. There lies only obligations and hurt in his eyes. Hurt for me, questioning looks for him.

Our elbows touched for a second as my nerves sent me into a shiver. The pain in my ribs sounded clearly. It wasn't the physical pain that hurt so badly now, it was the tear of my heart and the little leaks of bloody red liquid dripping onto the organs. It wasn't the sound of people talking that sent me into a frenzy, it was the sound of the rips of everything in my body. I wished to sob while slurping the pepsi, I wanted so badly to drop everything I held and run out of the cafeteria, running as fast as I can, as long as I can, as soon as I can, to escape the pain, to tire myself till there was no feeling filling up that little space in the corner as only hurt and pain floated in the midst; in the air.

We walked and walked. I began to see his muscles much clearly in the sunlight. Gawd knows how stupid I was to follow him still after everything I felt in the helluva cafeteria. He began to tell stories of his drunken night and how could he had even came back home, drunk to the pits of his core and wonder what had happen on that incredible night. I winced as he recall. The bad boy stuff. The bad boy attitude.

We reached the common room and I could hardly lighten up as long as he was there. He pushed, probed deeper this time. Nothing spurted from my mouth except wonderfully woven and crafted lies. My eyes lied. My voice was hardly mine. My heart was shrinking back into its thrown, dusty corner. And yet I was somehow still smiling telling everyone I'm thinking about something, I was in deep thoughts. Yet I wasn't.

It was when he caught hold of my cap was I only feeling that, maybe he cared for me somehow, little bit. A little is better than nothing. But how could I settle for little when I wanted more. A concern expression, a worried expression. I pried his fingers open and begged for him to release my possession. I felt as if I was accosting up to him but yet I enjoyed every moment of this trivial, laughable matter with him. He was funny, that's undeniable.

My heart gladdened but I knew this was not something I thought it was. I strode to the red door as quickly as I could before they could block me again and with a fake smile on my face, I told them, See you later. I left with a smile on my face...

but with a heavy heart that aches.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 01:58:22 GMT

I loathed the fact I have come all the way here to fall for the likes of him.

I hate having to come all the way here and have to think about depressing thoughts and going back to places I don't want to go back in the first place. And then friends would surround me and make me feel like I'm so dependent on them and want to feel sorry for myself. I feel like a shitty friend, doing this to them ALL THE TIME.

I hate that he's asking me countless times if I am okay when I'm not and I just wanna lean on him and sob on his shoulders and feel hands not patting my back like a friend, but more than a friend.

I despise myself for contemplating with my inner feelings and firm principles I have set for myself.

I loathe that he patted my shoulder and said, don't worry. How can i not worry about myself. I'm sinking into a transient depression and I can't get out of that abyss yet.

I hate that I'm sitting here typing this and having to go to bed later with lucent eyes and the sound of the tv blaring in my ears, regardless of how low the volume is.

I hate telling people I'm depressed when at the same time I like them to be there for me when I'm down but at the same time I want to roll on the ground on my tummy, hands, legs and press my face against the trampled, stomped grass and bawl loudly for my deeply sorry self and sob in anguish.

I despise the fact that I am sitting here, trying to look calm, reassuring myself when my whole feelings is in turmoil and in brash waves and...

all I want.. is to be serene.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 01:36:20 GMT

I silently thumped myself on my head and sighed heavily.

I was slumped against the toilet wall, not that I really wanted to and not that it doesn't creep me out that the wall could be filled with germs. I was... reminiscing.. about those words, the way he said to me.. Somehow revived from the past, somehow as if abstracted from the past, the exact words, the exact tone, the exact look as if I was crossing a boundary, a visible, marked line. I winced as it came flooding back like a torrent of cussing in one sentence. I was hurt beyond everything else and entwined my fingers as I try so hard to convince myself, I would not cry, I would not cry.

I cried only one so far because of something back home that made me desperately wish that I wasn't here but there to help or ease the tension and pain brewing in the midst of home. And I didn't want to break the firm pact I made with myself.

I also silently chastised myself; how could I like him?? This was definitely absurd and ludicrous, I muttered with lucent eyes. It chewed at me inside out as that memory kept rewinding and replaying in my mind.

I dried my little tears and stared at the wall. How I wished I could tell someone..

No, I am not okay. In fact, I have never been okay .. I refuse to indulge my feelings on someone, it's wasted, it's ridiculous, it's despicable and most of all.. it's stupid.

I look at him and see eyes belonging to someone else. I look at him and is reminded of someone else. Someone I contemplated with myself about surrendering this little piece of meat of a heart to, someone whom I detested as the days passed by.

She burst inside and questioned. The worried look. I felt feeble and weak and wanted to slump against something and coil like a fetus and bawl loudly. But my pride forbid me so. My principle of not depending on others emotionally rebuked me in the face.

No.. I am fine, I answered her question with a feeble smile and a hunched shoulder.

I was devastated, yet amazed how I could face all of them and lie them in the eye. I wish I wouldn't have to pretend.

I have been a semi-actress far too long..

When am I going to stop...

Friday, August 01, 2008

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:02:23 GMT

Silence.

I think at times it would be bliss but at this point, I wish he would start talking.

Say something! I begged silently, tugging the corner of my shirt and biting my lip.

And for once, my prayer was answered.

'That tattoo new?' he nodded towards the tattooed chain on my exposed tummy.

Okay... now shut up.

I shrugged my shoulders and nodded nonchalantly. He gripped the steering wheel harder; his veins showing all too well on his hands.

Silence crept into the car and made itself heard loud and clear. The only sound cutting into it was the rumbling of the tires on the little pebbles on the road.

Suddenly he slammed the brakes and the tires screeched like a banshee's wail and halted to a stop with my face almost kissing the front screen and his protective hands was already on my.. exposed tummy.

I slumped in my seat, shocked and frightened with fear as his eyes scanned, or more accurately, x-rayed me from top to bottom before he bit his lip and unbuckled himself. My eyes were pretty much staring ahead, wide and eyelids moving not a flutter. He stepped out on the car and bent down to check if he had managed to knock whatever he was trying to avoid. My guess was his eyes scanned me and his brain checked me as fine, hence no attention needed for me.

In that few transient moments of yet another silence, unaccompanied, I wished that I had taken a plane and not trusted him, not since his divorce with Mrs. Heart Reaper. He yanked the rusty old car's door open and peered at me.

'Are you okay?' his voice grave and his eyes steely.

What the hell do you think? was about to be my answer.

'What did you hit?' I managed to stammer out, my fingers digging into the flesh of my thighs. Oh, horrendous thighs.

'Didn't. Baby sheep,' he answered shortly, getting back into the car again, as if that itself explained everything.

Right. Baby sheep. UH-HUH.

Silence. Kill me now please.

***

We arrived almost midnight and the house looked dead from afar. The lights weren't alight as before, of course, that was the death of Great Aunt Tabitha. GA for short. As kids, Jeremy and I were always teasing GA's name as it sounded more like a witch's black cat's name. And of course, we were well-spanked when GA headed home, whistling under her breath while we cussed under ours.

'Here,' he announced somberly.

I stepped out and sniffed the minty fresh air circulating the house. Then later cringed as my skin felt the icy cold of the wind howling nearby. He took his coat and covered my body. His hands felt like a dead man's. I stared into his blue eyes. Steely. But cold. He looked away and walked, hunched, towards the wooden house.

I glanced into the night and sighed heavily and joined my brother.

***

'I'm never coming back here again you know.'

Eighteen year old Jeremy Breckner made that decision while clutching to his luggage bag; with four years younger, Cassie Breckner sitting with him on his bed. She quickly stood up and stared, horrified at this sudden announcement.

'What do you mean you're not...?' she demanded loudly.

'Shut up! Do you want Mum and Dad to hear us?' he hissed violently at her, standing up as well. He was a foot taller than his sister and his eyes glared menacingly at her small figure.

'Yeah, well. I'd rather they hear it so they can put a stop to this .. crazy!!! stupid!! running scheme of yours!!' she shot back acidly.

Jeremy kicked his luggage in frustration and bit his lip. He frowned sadly as he looked upon the floor.

'I thought you'd understand, Cassie. I love her.'

Cassie clasped her hand on her mouth with a fake concerned expression on her face.

'Is that so?' she whispered, sarcasm dripping thickly from her voice. She strode forward slyly.

'And.. what happens when it runs out?'

Jeremy's eyes met her and the two glared at each other for a moment. His momentary sadness replaced with anger.

'So be it.' was his last sentence and having said that, grabbed his luggage and ran downstairs and out the door, Mrs. Beckner's screams tailing after him.

And as she stood there, she wondered if she should have supported him or tried better to stop him.

***

'Mum?' The door creaked as I opened it slightly. Stupid door. All the doors in the house were built so the little minions of the years wouldn't get pass the tight security : Mum and Dad.

She groaned slightly and sobbed in the dark.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:40:55 GMT

I HAVE MIGRATED!!!!!!

TO BLOGSPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 04, 2008

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 11:13:11 GMT

Elijah.

Elijah.

Elijah.

Answer me this. If one makes a man, what does the other make?

What kind of question is that?

Elijah.

Yes?

Tell me the silly joke.

Now?

Yes, now, silly. Hurry up.

Okay. What's green and runs one hundred miles per hour?

What?

A frog in a blender.

That's hilarious.

It still gets to you? I thought you'd be bored by my one joke by now.

No, you're never a bore.

Does that mean you like me tremendously?

You dork. You know my answer to that.

Elijah.

Elijah.

What's forty five plus ninety?

Do we really have to crack my demented brain now?

Yes, now. Hurry up.

Okay. Hold it. Forrrrrrrty then five. So that makes fifty! Then..

No silly!! You've got it all wrong.

I did? Great. First I screwed science. Now my maths.

And I thought I was bad at it.

Congrats, Erin. You've earned it.

Elijah.

Yeah?

Did you watch All about Ginger yesterday?

Yeah. I thought Ginger was a real brick when she dumped Matt.

I thought so too. But she cried in the end. She still misses him even though he's horrible to her.

But still. She should toughen up.

Maybe.

Erin?

Yes?

Do you think we'll end up wearing our pants while chasing the school bus tomorrow?

Tee hee. I'm wearing my polka dots skirt tomorrow. So, no. You'll be the only one doing that.

I see. Make sense. I think I'll go steal my sister's bohemian skirt now.

Okay. Good luck.

...

Ouch.She gave me the boot.

Ouch, that oughta hurt.

Elijah.

Hmm?

What are you listening to?

Greenday.

You?

Little Mermaid, Happy Ending. I should be named Ariel.

I like Erin better.

You do?

Naw!

Dork.

Elijah.

Elijah.

Elijah!

WHaa??

You fell asleep.

No, no I didn't Erin. Pfft. Asleep while talking to you? No way!

Liar.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

..

Erin.

Erin.

Are you okay?

I'm scared.

Me too.

What do you have to be scared about?

Not being able to take you to the dance this fall. I can't imagine holding hands with someone else.

Idiot. My parents will be there even if I don't make it today. They'll be chaperoning!

Erin?

I'm thinking... pink blouse and bohemian skirt for tomorrow.

I thought the bohemian skirt idea was out?

Who said my little sis will give me the boot too?

Haha. That'll be bohemian MINI skirt! You're a joke.

I'm seriously considering a blonde bombshell with implants on gender-changed chest.

I'm not taking the bus with you tomorrow. I'd walk all that mile!

Too bad babe. You won't see me in action then.

Elijah?

Erin.

Elijah...

Erin?

Elijah!!!

Erin!!

Knock it off. It's 4 am now.

Uh huh.

Wait. Your sister is still up to give you the boot?

Hell yeah. Damien.

Owh! Damien...

He's coming to dinner tomorrow. Oh wait, today. He's a good kid.

I'll say. He's so cute.

Ahem!

You're cute too.

Thank you. Finally. Someone notices this beauty.

Pfft! Beauty??

Don't scoff, oh funny one.

..

Elijah?

mm?

Can you come to my room now?

Why?

I want to show you my collection of stickers.

You mean Sailormoon and some other.. Moon?

Yes, that.

Moon power Make up!! Haha.

Fine.

Sorry. I think this is the secondth time I've apologised?

Yes, and you're getting insincere by the minute.

I'm sorry.

Take it back.

Okay, love. I'm coming over right now.

WAIT!

..

Erin?

Erinnnnn??

Erin.. erina rina na na.. a.. nire.. nire.

Knock it off! Sshh!!

Mr. Ruddy?

Elijah?

*gulp* Yes, Sir?

Erin has to go to bed now. Mind if she dozes off for the night?

Er.. yes sir. I'll see her tomorrow.

Alright. She'll say goodnight for now.

..

Oh my gawd, I'm sorreeeeee...

No probs, Rin. We should abide by the law and the powers-to-be and sleep now.

Har har. He's gone.

It's 5 am.

I know.

We'll be going to school in about an hour.

No, we'll be WAKING UP in about an hour.

Honey, you have no idea what it's like to fight for the privilege of a bathroom with two sisters with amazing piercing screams.

Oh.

Yup.

Elijah?

Yes?

I'll miss you.

Shut up, you're not going yet.

What kind of wig do you think i should put on today?

Hm.. what about the maroon?

har har. Maroon Red's lost member.

Little Duckling looking for the mama and papa.

..

..

..

Erin?

..

..

..

Hey Erin. You're still awake?

..

..

Elijah?

Er.. I'm sorry, Mr. Ruddy, I'll totally get to bed right now. And I'll tell Erin to do the same.

Erin's ....

--------------------------

Things I'll never get to do later:

- tell my baby brother to stay off DRUGS, CIGARRETES and every sinful things in this nutty world
-whip my baby brother's butt if he does
-recount how much money i have in my piggy bank
-recount the number of stairs i have to climb everyday at school
-feed the ginger stray cat who reminds me of Ginger in All About Ginger
-sing hoarsely to my favorite songs
-getting the top honor student [ i wish! ]
-go to the freaking dance!!!!!! [ aaaaaaaaa, i've been waiting for this ]
-rewriting loved ones' birthday date every year in a new diary
-see Elijah
-hear Elijah's silly one and only joke
-laugh fakely at Elijah's silly one and only joke
-showing him my collection of stickers of what he calls the 'Moon clan'
-repeating Elijah's name
-talking to Elijah
-tell Elijah something
-something i think he already knows?
-gawd, i hope not

~ Erin Ruddy on the sucky side of being a leukemia patient

Erin,

I never got round to telling you how much I wanted to rip the 'Moon Clan' stickers you own because Dragon Ball rules!!

I never got round to fixing your broken locker in school. Am sorry. Dot dot.

I never got round to do one of those many things on your list. Like running around the school field, holding your hand. Because I know you can't take it. I know half-way you'll stop, panting and puffing, your face pale in comparison to the nearest sunflower. And I know that you're filled with determination; you'd want to do the whole round again. I can't allow that Erin. Your health mattered a lot.

You mattered a lot.

Erin,

I never got to being a pet brother to your baby brother. [ you're talking as if he's gonna grow up and be a badass!!! ] I would have loved being a sub, cool bro.

I never got round to throwing eggs at your house on any Halloween. OKAY. I'm scared your mum will hunt me down with her wok. I'll do it, even though you're not here though. WAIT! Oh my gawd, I'm becoming morbid like you!

Erin,

I never did watch that Episode 38 of All About Ginger. I knew how the story went because Harriet told me. ... Okay. I never watched All About Ginger! It clashed with my drama!!! You know, the Monkey God? Man, he ruled.

But most of all,

Erin,

I never got round to telling you

You love I.

and Me Complete You.

Flip it backwards.

and I know how you feel about me. Har har.

Erin,

why'd you have to leave me?

I wanted to grow old with you and have numerous fights with my ingenous wife.

I'm crying Erin.

I'm crying..

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:31:09 GMT

So, apparently I wasn't alone.

she was feeling the same way too. going to bed knowing you have those few precious weeks left. well, at least her dad is going with her. i'm on my own. it's a bit intimidating and harrowing actually.

i'm trying my very best to rid myself of that nervous, edgy feeling, the trepidation of fear in my soul, gnawing at my spirit, impinging all my work. i'd slide in the sofa just thinking about it.

someone hug me. sob.

so, anyway, worries aside.

he looks a lot like him. I know i shouldn't be evoking memories.. thinking about this classmate who once said hi in a very weird manner but it's hard not to notice the resemblance albeit he's a lot younger.

let's call this classmate of mine J. I happen to like the letter J actually. Lots of names I love.

Jared
Jake
Jayden

Okay, so J is .. very nice. Even I only knew him for a few months. I knew, somehow or rather, he wanted to be friends with me but maybe I was gave him a cold shoulder back then. I wasn't very friendly to anyone when I was a newbie. sometimes i regret being so unfriendly to him. well, to others i don't really care lah. heheh.

oh, speaking of which. let's talk how I met kanchana! [wait first ah ping. lolol. so funneee hor.]

i like to borrow her rubber wan. and then kanchana will correct me,

K:felicia. what rubber rubber.'
me: ha?
K: E R A S E R. Not rubber.
me: why? Same thing ma. *snatches her rubber*
K: haihz.

and this went on for five years.

no lah. actually when I met her, I can say from rubber to blubber and she won't correct me. but now she's braver RIGHT? ^^

about how I met ping ping, very funny story actually. I remember we always had duties on the same day as GT [ ping! I never got round to thanking you for putting me to arrange the tables on the same day as GT, hahahahaha ] and I would be delighted to bertugas. To climb that horrendous flight of stairs until the top floor. Remember how much groaning and moaning we use to make [or was it just me?] when we are climbing the stairs?

Then, there was this one time we went to the library with David and sat with him. I took a book, ahahak, all those books about friendship, family, poetic stuff and all, and sat down with them. And read to David, describing him in a different gender. Saying how good a friend she was, how nice she was and David was fuming [jokingly] and his face was hilarious!

Honestly, all I remember about David L. was THAT and how many a time he borrowed my Chemistry note books. Oh wrell.

Digressions aside,

i suck at reminiscing.

right?