I loathed the fact I have come all the way here to fall for the likes of him.
I hate having to come all the way here and have to think about depressing thoughts and going back to places I don't want to go back in the first place. And then friends would surround me and make me feel like I'm so dependent on them and want to feel sorry for myself. I feel like a shitty friend, doing this to them ALL THE TIME.
I hate that he's asking me countless times if I am okay when I'm not and I just wanna lean on him and sob on his shoulders and feel hands not patting my back like a friend, but more than a friend.
I despise myself for contemplating with my inner feelings and firm principles I have set for myself.
I loathe that he patted my shoulder and said, don't worry. How can i not worry about myself. I'm sinking into a transient depression and I can't get out of that abyss yet.
I hate that I'm sitting here typing this and having to go to bed later with lucent eyes and the sound of the tv blaring in my ears, regardless of how low the volume is.
I hate telling people I'm depressed when at the same time I like them to be there for me when I'm down but at the same time I want to roll on the ground on my tummy, hands, legs and press my face against the trampled, stomped grass and bawl loudly for my deeply sorry self and sob in anguish.
I despise the fact that I am sitting here, trying to look calm, reassuring myself when my whole feelings is in turmoil and in brash waves and...
all I want.. is to be serene.
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