I silently thumped myself on my head and sighed heavily.
I was slumped against the toilet wall, not that I really wanted to and not that it doesn't creep me out that the wall could be filled with germs. I was... reminiscing.. about those words, the way he said to me.. Somehow revived from the past, somehow as if abstracted from the past, the exact words, the exact tone, the exact look as if I was crossing a boundary, a visible, marked line. I winced as it came flooding back like a torrent of cussing in one sentence. I was hurt beyond everything else and entwined my fingers as I try so hard to convince myself, I would not cry, I would not cry.
I cried only one so far because of something back home that made me desperately wish that I wasn't here but there to help or ease the tension and pain brewing in the midst of home. And I didn't want to break the firm pact I made with myself.
I also silently chastised myself; how could I like him?? This was definitely absurd and ludicrous, I muttered with lucent eyes. It chewed at me inside out as that memory kept rewinding and replaying in my mind.
I dried my little tears and stared at the wall. How I wished I could tell someone..
No, I am not okay. In fact, I have never been okay .. I refuse to indulge my feelings on someone, it's wasted, it's ridiculous, it's despicable and most of all.. it's stupid.
I look at him and see eyes belonging to someone else. I look at him and is reminded of someone else. Someone I contemplated with myself about surrendering this little piece of meat of a heart to, someone whom I detested as the days passed by.
She burst inside and questioned. The worried look. I felt feeble and weak and wanted to slump against something and coil like a fetus and bawl loudly. But my pride forbid me so. My principle of not depending on others emotionally rebuked me in the face.
No.. I am fine, I answered her question with a feeble smile and a hunched shoulder.
I was devastated, yet amazed how I could face all of them and lie them in the eye. I wish I wouldn't have to pretend.
I have been a semi-actress far too long..
When am I going to stop...
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